Tiaragate: Our Lady of Perpetual Clapbacks Sets the Record Straight (Part 2)

To recap: Claims emerged in spring 2018 that Meghan and Harry had thrown a corker of a tantrum over which tiara she was to be loaned for their wedding. Mr. Gore's Good Internet has been aflame with speculation ever since. Catch up on Part 1 for all the backstory you will need in Part 2!

The green-eyed cyclops which doth mock the meat it feeds on

A new wrinkle was added to the Tiaragate saga with the August 2020 publication of Finding Freedom, a hagiographic biography by Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand supposedly written without the cooperation of the Sussexes (but clearly written with the cooperation of the Sussexes).

Dude you're melting

Omid is an established Markle mouthpiece (that fact has been literally noted in a legal proceeding by a judge), and Finding Freedom was widely perceived as Meghan's effort to clap back at her critics and set various records straight. So what did Finding Freedom have to say about Tiaragate? It happened - but not the way the papers had reported.

Per Scobie and Durand, there was never any disagreement over which tiara Meghan would wear to her wedding. The conflict arose later over Meghan's access to the Queen Mary Bandeau during the course of wedding preparations. General bad feeling over "foot-dragging" by royal staff exploded into open conflict after Meghan flew her hair stylist in from Paris and turned up at Buckingham Palace sans appointment, demanding immediate access to the tiara. The relevant staffer, Angela Kelly, wasn't even in London at the time, but our precious little madam isn't the type let a thing like manners, security, or even geography stand in the way of what she is entitled to. (And the list of things she is entitled to includes, apparently, the personal jewelry collection of the Queen of Freakin' England. Extraordinary.)

Megsy you don't fool us. We know you were after a Margaret-in-the-bathtub Poltimore moment.

Harry was as per usual drafted in to do Meghan's narc rage dirty work, and ole son really turned up and turned out! This part of the story mirrors the original rumor, with a furious Harry dialing up courtiers all over the Palace to berate them into pressuring Angela Kelly to drop her entire life on a moment's notice in order to serve the whims of her betters. Unsurprisingly, Ms. Kelly did not cut short her travels.

We should note here how unbelievably, inexpressibly stupid it was to antagonize Angela Kelly, a woman nicknamed AK-47 who has been Her Madge's closest and most trusted advisor since the 90s. Kelly is a Liverpudlian working class girl, the daughter of a dock worker, and a [literal] street brawler par excellence. Or should I say palace brawler? Kelly once had a knock-down drag-out fight at an employee security entrance with the other girlfriend of a married pastry chef (who, in addition to his two girlfriends, also had a pregnant wife). After forgetting her security pass one day, she threw a hysterical Reese Witherspoon-style DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM fit that escalated so far that palace security ended up throwing her to the ground. Harry you stupid posh boy, you DO NOT want Angela Kelly's particular brand of smoke.

Angela DGAF, she will cut a bitch

Perhaps the most extraordinary part of this whole episode is that the gruesome twosome seemed to sincerely believe that this version of Tiaragate made them look good. Somehow, they sincerely believed it was reasonable for Meghan to materialize sans appointment and demand instant access to the royal vault. The existence of planners and schedules was apparently evidence of grave persecution. The existence of security protocols was apparently an act of oppression. And AK-47's unwillingness to reorder her life around their whims was somehow evidence of racial hatred toward Meghan.

DELUSIONAL.

Real clown sh!t

Let us pause here for a final observation on Angela Kelly. As Personal Assistant, Adviser and Curator to Her Majesty The Queen (Jewelry, Insignias and Wardrobe), Kelly has complete control over access to the Queen's jewelry collection. After the wedding, Meghan was never again seen wearing any piece from the royal vault. I contend that this is not a coincidence.

So we now conclude with two competing versions of Tiaragate. Which one really happened? I lay out my Grand Unified Theory of Tiaragate in Part 3. Stay tuned!

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